When a human being dies, their loved ones or those who are very close to them often experience indescribable trauma; pain, and suffering. However, the loss of a baby is more tragic; whether the loss is as a result of miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, perinatal death, cot death, or if a child just goes missing; the pain is overwhelming. Personal experience in grief therapy has helped me to develop an appreciation of the fact that grief is unique with each person and grief has no timelines. I have been allowed into that personal space, listened and empathized and understand that losing a baby is something you never get over but have to learn to live with. Grieving is a normal reaction to a loss and so when a mother or when family members experience the loss of a child, they MUST BE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE.
This article will focus on the mothers in particular, because the relationship with their child begins long before the actual birth. The bond is not only physical, social, emotional and spiritual but forms an integral part of their future.
Factors which may affect grief
Following the death of her child, one distraught, mother shared,
“Ever since we married, we had been trying, then after seven years we received our first child but only to be informed that the child has a life-threatening condition, and now we no longer have our child.”
The woman above talked about how difficult it was to watch her baby struggle for life and felt helpless as a mother. This memory cannot just vanish but recurs from time to time. There have also been situations whereby one does not get to see or is not shown the baby for reasons that prioritize the best interests of the mother. Seeing the baby helps in starting the grief journey. It helps one to begin to work through the emotions after seeing the reality of the loss.
Grief is when your arms ache from the emptiness they hold
Her story alone, can bring out factors that affect her grief, which may include;
Type of loss- whether it was a miscarriage or perhaps a cot death,
Previous experiences of loss and their impact- if other miscarriages were experienced in the past,
Personal coping styles - It may be difficult to accept the loss for reasons such as when they blame someone (often mums-in-law are the witches),
Family and cultural beliefs and practices - mothers often talk about how they were not allowed to participate in the burial of their own child or were not allowed to cry. The church has also been cited for discouraging the bereaved from crying.
Support systems - people minimize the death of a baby and say or do things that are not very helpful. Comments like;
“I know exactly what you are going through” -you can never know exactly what someone is going through
“At least you have other children”
“God takes only the best”
“You are still young enough to have other children”
“Vakwana ivavo (the children you already have are enough)”- How is it your place to determine anyone’s family size?
Reactions:
Although grief is the normal process through which people adapt to a life without a loved one, death should never happen. When it happens feelings of grief can present physically, socially, spiritually and emotionally. Some of these feelings present as;
Shock-Where one expected a new life, however, death happens instead
Anger- which may be directed at health professionals, in-laws and /or God.
Guilt- which may arise because you fear the baby may have inherited a problem from you. “ What did I do wrong?”
Jealousy – you could be jealous of women with babies or pregnant women
Sadness-this emotion will last especially when triggered by anniversaries and other special occasions. Triggers may also come from seeing other children growing up and imagining that your child would have been at the same age-It is too painful.
Marital conflicts-couples may blame each other for the death and also fail to understand that men and women express their grief differently.
Anxiety and Panic- where future pregnancies will be very anxious times for fear that it may happen again
Avoidance of sex
One may turn to other sources of comfort like isolation, alcohol & substance abuse or extra-marital affairs
Helpful recovery activities
Experiences are DIFFERENT, there is no prescription for how people should behave in a time of loss. It is therefore important to recognize that it is ok to experience those intense feelings
and to identify ways that make you feel better whenever you are feeling overwhelmed. It is not only important for the bereaved to express their pain but also for those around them to allow them to do so. It will take time to recover from the death, so don’t feel you have to be ‘strong’. If you want to cry do so.
It is important to find someone to talk to; who will not change the subject or begin to tell their own story. Someone who will be there to just LISTEN without saying much otherwise there may end up saying the ‘wrong’ things.
Look at photographs, keep some of the child’s possessions.
It may also be helpful to join a support group
Counselling helps one to come to terms with reality and also to find ways to cope. It is especially encouraged to seek professional help when you seem stuck for a long time and are not able to move on in life. In some cases, it may also affect your physical health because you can experience aches and pains without even realizing that it’s a reaction to the loss. Mental health issues need the support of a counsellor otherwise they develop into bigger problems which will not only affect an individual but also those close to them. Counselling also helps the bereaved to explore the available resources and to identify what can be helpful in their grief journey.
Posted on behalf of Mildred Bosha, our esteemed Grief Counsellor.
Thanks Janet. This has been helpful. If only we can learn to just LISTEN without saying much in most situations, we will be a better people.