I discovered I was pregnant in October 2013. Having had two consecutive miscarriages earlier on in the same year I wasn't too excited about the pregnancy. I sobbed that evening. Holding my stomach, I pleaded with God to not go through the now-familiar process of losing a baby again. The prospect absolutely terrified me.
Five weeks into my pregnancy I went for an appointment with my doctor. He immediately put me on a red sticker file, (a file which I was now used to seeing as I'm a high-risk patient in all my pregnancies). An ultrasound was done, where I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I felt surprised and fearful. I wasn’t expecting to hear it. Somehow I didn’t really want to hear it because I thought here we go again. The doctor took no time in scheduling a cerclage operation which was booked to occur in two weeks as this was the period where I had miscarriages in all of my pregnancies. A Cervical cerclage refers to a variety of procedures that use sutures or synthetic tape to reinforce the cervix during pregnancy in women with a history of a short cervix and miscarriages.
As I waited for the procedure, I had bouts of doubt and fear. The fear froze me to the core. I wasn't even engaging with others. It was so bad that when I eventually went for the procedure in my eighth week, I couldn't smile because my heart felt heavy. The gynecologist really did his best to strengthen me and make me laugh, but I wasn't really moved. Everything inside me was numb and shut.
Soon after the successful procedure, I got discharged I was asked to come back for another scan, to ensure that the process had been well conducted and to also ensure that the baby was fine and not affected by the operation. The doctor tried to cheer me up, I forced a wry smile but I didn't feel like smiling. I simply said to him,"Do what you need to do, I need to be some other place". I didn't expect to hear the thunderous heartbeat that boomed from the ultrasound scan.
The doctor was more excited than I was as he exclaimed," Can you hear that Rachel? Look at the scan", I couldn't look at the scan. Fear coursed through my veins. I felt myself closing in, I really wanted to cry and yet, I couldn't cry. I didn't know how to feel. "I WAS AFRAID".
There was nothing peculiar about the pregnancy itself. I went through the regular phases of morning sickness and so forth like many women. Every time I went for an antenatal visit, the checkups went well and nothing was wrong with my baby. Despite all these good tidings, blessing my pregnancy journey, I still felt like my world would come crashing down any moment. That thought alone dissuaded me from enjoying the pregnancy. The scheduled date for my c-section came and it wasn't as smooth sailing as I had hoped. I started coughing during the c-section procedure. I cried and asked myself why this was happening to me.
Post-surgery, it was difficult for me to cough like a normal person because of the sutures. I would bend myself in a fetal position to try and not disturb the stitches. It was awfully uncomfortable and I felt helpless. I stayed in the hospital for four days before getting discharged. I attended physiotherapy in order to manage how to cough without injuring myself through the sutures.
Upon arriving at home, my eldest son fell sick the very next day. The pressure and stress of managing a sick child, a 5 day old baby, and nursing my wounds, burrowed into my mental and emotional space. To worsen the situation, my husband had traveled, so there was no one to drive us around to the doctor and the pharmacy. I had to drive and ensure that I attended to my firstborn's illness. My Mom was there for me, however, I still felt as if the world had come crumbling down.
In those moments, I disliked the idea of a second baby. I reasoned that if I had not had him, then my eldest son wouldn't have been sick. I felt responsible for my son's sickness at the same time I blamed the newborn baby for my eldest's sickness. Thank goodness my Mom intervened and counselled me a lot. She made me realise that if I didn't start taking care of my emotional and mental health, I might end up incarcerated in a psychic ward. The thought itself was enough to ignite the desire to get better.
I started dealing with the fact that YES I was now a mom of two, and I had overcome my worst nightmares of getting a miscarriage again. I embraced being a mom and looked for happiness again.
I am a proud mom of two joyful boys, whose world revolves around my own. Antenatal and Post-Natal Depression are real issues but can be managed. I guess the most important lesson I learnt was that when it gets hard, don't shut out those that are ready to support and assist you. If there aren't any people available, it doesn't hurt to look for help so that you don't go down the downward spiral of a dark and dangerous thread.
Thank you