The journey to fatherhood differs from man to man and from generation to generation. Personally, being around the 40-year mark, I occasionally imagine how my father coped at my age? With a child, about to get married, and already having had several children, with several mothers.
My past shaped a large part of what I envisioned my life journey to be. Not inspired by my father's path, but my own lessons and perceptions. I guess at some point in my childhood, it became a challenge/ an achievement, to only have children with one wife. My experience probably played a significant role in shaping the foundations of my psyche as well (However, that’s for exploration on another day)? I suppose I knew I didn’t want to fail where he had failed, so I did my best not to father any children until marriage.
I absolutely love and respect my father by the way and admire the way he brought us all up. He met his own journey mistakes head-on and owned them. For that I am proud. He raised us all in his marriage to my mother, under the same roof. Another feat that amazes me as an adult; especially considering how I now fully understand marriage politics and nuances. Maybe there’s a lot to be said about my mother here? However, when I have asked her in the past, she brushes it off as “I knew what I was getting into with him”.
Once married, I quickly realised, along with my lovely wife, that we were not ready for little ones to run circles around us just yet. There were still a few things milestones we wanted to achieve before certain ages, both individually and as a couple.
Our choice to pause the child-bearing process brought about a lot of comical experiences in those early years. The antics came from those whom we engaged with, either at church or social gatherings. The passing of this comment, “kwakanaka here ikoko?” (Is everything well in your marriage?) or variations of that statement became the standard order of the day.
Kwakanaka here ikoko, could easily mean are you financially unstable? Are you hungry? Are you being abused or the most often used reason, are you infertile? By “you”, in our culture tends to mean the wife, again, a topic for another day.
(Side note: I am pinning the owner of this publication to pressure from you, dear reader, by leaving all these little “another day” topics, you know, just so I can almost guarantee a call back for more work, but that’s another topic for anot…)
Knowing that we were on a long-term plan of not having children meant we never took these statements to heart but instead enjoyed watching people approach us to ask us about our “wellness”. Some of the prayer warriors we were acquainted with promised to pray for us, without us ever seeking said prayers, however, we politely accepted their offers. My wife and I had not made any pact or agreement to not explain ourselves. We simply resonated with some piece of advice or something we found in literature that emboldened us to only be answerable to God in our marriage and not to worry about anyone else. This principle applies even to our own children. They are the product of our marriage, but they are not a part of our relationship as a couple. The few times we have gone against this principle, we found ourselves in deep sorrow.
It was particularly helpful that our immediate family (both sides) did not put any pressure on us whatsoever. I feared my mother would be the worst culprit among the parents, as she was quite keen on becoming a grandparent. However, bless her, she only ever asked me once. To which I politely told her nothing was wrong and if anything was ever wrong in my marriage, I would inform her, on a need to know basis. I will always cherish her respect for my adult decisions and privacy.
Eventually, the time came for us to finally have a child. We felt more than ready! Having discussed this as a couple, we targeted to conceive within a year and began preparations. Books were read, magazine articles, blogs, movies (“What to Expect When You’re Expecting” etc), but above all, Prayer and supplication.
Amazingly, within the first two cycles of being contraceptive free, we were pregnant! Man, what a joy that was! It felt good. Much to my amazement, the 'feel-good' phase only lasted as long as her first trimester.
From her second trimester onward, everything about me annoyed the living daylights out of my wife. I was confused! I hadn’t seen any of this in the books or movies, so this came as a complete shock. Whether I snored or didn’t, chewed or sipped, walked or ran or sat on the couch, showered or bathed or didn’t; everything I did was viewed as confrontational to the mother of my (then) future child. That 6-month period still haunts me till now and is better left unsaid until after counselling.
Scans and checks all came and went with things moving smoothly. Our due date came and went. The baby stayed nice and comfortable in the womb. No movement, no distress, she just waited, taking her sweet time.
Almost a full two weeks later, she arrived. At that moment our household numbers grew. Everyone wanted to see the baby. Everyone who mattered that is. Strangely, the people who used to ask if all was well with us, somehow never checked if all was anymore! I guess I can make up my own phrase in the ilk of “with great power comes great responsibility” and say “With a baby, comes peace, privacy, love, joy, and happiness in marriage….sometimes.... well most times!”
Written by Anon Zimba
This dad does have a way with words, and indeed, it was so nice to hear the male perspective. We need more dads to come forward and share their stories.